I've built a small reputation for coming up with rather silly questions some of those being; "what would you do if you found out your husband of 3 years was an alien?" or "would you charge the government for your services if you were a super hero?". Recently i've been asking my friends if they would eat a mermaid and you would be surprised at the number of people that would do it if they were hungry. What's even stranger is that the funniest response i've got from this question was from a vegetarian friend of mine called Kurt. This is the conversation we had at work:
Kev: Do you like fish Kurt?
Kurt: No...yes...well i don't eat fish but they are nice animals.
Kev: Why don't you eat fish?
Kurt: I don't eat all types of meat. I'm vegetarian.
Kev: is it from religious reasons or do you not like the taste of it or are you an animal lover?
Kurt: animal lover, i think it's wrong to kill all animals.
Kev:(smiling) You'd love it in Kenya then. Coz we really love animals...especially with some salt.
Kev: Anyhoo, if the water crisis in WA deteriorated beyond repair and you were starving, you walk along the beach and meet a mermaid that dies in your arms, would you eat the fish part?
Kurt: (laughing) What the hell?
Kev: Seriously. IT'S FISH and not only that but it's fresh fish coz the mermaid just died.
Kurt: It's raw.
Kev: You don't like sushi? Fine there's a sudden bolt of lightening that strikes a tree near you and you have fire.
Kurt: i still wouldn't eat it. I don't eat meat.
Kev: but you're starving! i.e. eat the fish or die.
Kurt: i guess if i'm starving i'd eat the whole thing. including the human part.
Kev: (laughing) Thought so, YOU MONSTER. (now that i had got the response i wanted i change the subject) What do mermaids eat though?
Kurt: Kev, mermaid's don't exist.
Kev: Yeah but if they did what would they eat? I mean if they eat fish it's half cannibalism and if they eat humans it's also half cannibalism? What did they eat in "The Little Mermaid"?
Kurt: maybe they are vegetarian?
Kev: Not everyone's vegetarian Kurt, just you are.
Kurt: (laughing)they probably eat seaweed of some type of sea vegetable. Maybe when some ship carrying livestock hits an iceberg they celebrate by eating the cows that fall into the water.
Kev: Probably. They guy who finds them calls all his pals over for a barbecue. I wonder how they'd barbecue it under water though...
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Along came a spider....or 10
(You will appreciate this blog post much more if you had the tune from The good, the bad and the ugly playing in your head as you read it)
The 8 legged arachnid poses stealthily on the carpet. Almost fully camoflouged. Waiting for it's next victim. The humble creature does not suspect a thing as the large homo sapien life form moves towards it with a red can. A blast of cold compressed air makes the arachnid panic and try to scurry away from it's frost emiting adversery when suddenly it's tiny book lungs are filled a poisonous substance. The creature struggles to try and move it's half hydraulic-half muscle legs in an attempt to get to a region that's not polluted and fill its lungs with sweet clean air but his muscles are failing due to the lack of oxygen and he begins to panic.
The posion quickly spreads to the rest of its body. Its hind legs now dead. It keeps trying to drag itself forwards with his other apendages. The pain is unbearable now and his body topples over to one side. All legs slowly come together in a curled pattern to stop at their final resting position.
And the spider, once a free beast on the endless plain that was my carpet is no more.
A sudden influx of spiders into our house has made Doom our best friend.(By 'Doom' i mean the insecticide that kills instantly, not the computer game, the bad guy in fantastic four or prophet of) So at the moment our carpet has been aptly nicknamed the spider graveyard having killed about 10 spiders on it. It is a hard job, but someone's gotta do it. Keep the peace in the house by patrolling the corridors and elminating all threats.
Check out Kasarani.com, a new way to meet and keep in touch with Kenyans worldwide. You can even start your own blog on Kasarani! Click here to go to Kasarani.com now.
The 8 legged arachnid poses stealthily on the carpet. Almost fully camoflouged. Waiting for it's next victim. The humble creature does not suspect a thing as the large homo sapien life form moves towards it with a red can. A blast of cold compressed air makes the arachnid panic and try to scurry away from it's frost emiting adversery when suddenly it's tiny book lungs are filled a poisonous substance. The creature struggles to try and move it's half hydraulic-half muscle legs in an attempt to get to a region that's not polluted and fill its lungs with sweet clean air but his muscles are failing due to the lack of oxygen and he begins to panic.
The posion quickly spreads to the rest of its body. Its hind legs now dead. It keeps trying to drag itself forwards with his other apendages. The pain is unbearable now and his body topples over to one side. All legs slowly come together in a curled pattern to stop at their final resting position.
And the spider, once a free beast on the endless plain that was my carpet is no more.
A sudden influx of spiders into our house has made Doom our best friend.(By 'Doom' i mean the insecticide that kills instantly, not the computer game, the bad guy in fantastic four or prophet of) So at the moment our carpet has been aptly nicknamed the spider graveyard having killed about 10 spiders on it. It is a hard job, but someone's gotta do it. Keep the peace in the house by patrolling the corridors and elminating all threats.
Check out Kasarani.com, a new way to meet and keep in touch with Kenyans worldwide. You can even start your own blog on Kasarani! Click here to go to Kasarani.com now.
Monday, March 31, 2008
From Bangladesh With Love
Having slowly walked from my work place i conveniently missed the bus that takes me quickly home and had to wait 30 minutes in the cold wind for the next bus. As i finish checking the bus timetable an indian fellow asks me what time the next bus is. I tell him half an hour. The fellow then tells me he'll go back home and then come back out when the bus comes.
It is at times like these that i appreciate having a phone that has video player feature and i sit myself on the bus stop bench and being to watch my last episode of Boondocks. Time flies by and 15 min later the indian fellow from before comes and sits next to me.
Indian: (just loud enough so i can hear him over the headphones) I'm back.
I smile and try to ignore him. I'm not anti-social, Boondocks is really funny.
Indian: (Sitting next to me) Has the bus come by yet?
Kev: (pausing the video, i decide to indulge him) No. (I take my headphones off)
Indian: Do you live here?
Kev: No, i work in West Perth.
Indian: Ah, you work really late? (I know it doesn't look like a question but read it again with an indian accent)
Kev: Just until 8:30, would have been home early if i hadn't missed my bus.
I make my first mistake here when i confuse his interruption for being very social. The small talk goes on for a bit longer and we end up discussing living in Perth. It's at this point that the conversation gets interesting.
Kev: (like i tell everyone) Perth is a nice place to live, it's just not for me.
Indian: Why not?
Kev: Well, it's a bit quiet and the people are a bit funny.
Indian: Yeah, they are very prejudiced and some are really racist but it's not that bad.
What?? What i meant was that the people are a bit laid back i have no idea how prejudice and racisim came into this guys mind. I'm saved from an uncomfortable moment when the bus appears around the corner and i stand up to get the drivers attention.
Now, as an artist i'm used to spotting the smallest of details so i realise that Indian dude has not uncrossed his arms since he sat next to me (second sign i should not have ignored...keep reading, you'll get it). I warranted this to be due to the cold weather but the guy stands up without uncrossing his arms which is a weird and unnatural thing to do. He then proceeds to walk next to me in the strangest manner; arms crossed, head tilted a bit to the right and pelvis thrust awkwardly forward. The first thought that comes to my mind is that he is a bit feminine but i'm guessing it's because of the tight jeans that are currently in fashion in Australia.
Indian dude gets into the bus before me and there's an Australian fellow who looks at him as he walks in (a natural reaction! People tend to be attracted to the doors of the bus when the bus stops). The Australian guy is minding his own business listening to his Ipod when the Indian dude audibly says, "RACIST."
Kev: (convinced i heard him wrong) What?
Indian: (giggling uncontrollably-which is the third sign i should not have ignored) Sorry, i say that when people stare at me with no reason.
Kev: (thinking, "Weirdo!") Ok, i don't really think he was that focused on you.
Indian: (still giggling) Most Australians are...Oh sorry my name's Jabir.
Yes he does stop mid sentence to introduce himself and it is at his point that i notice his stance which was the fourth and final sign. He has uncrossed only his right hand to do the handshake, his left palm is still under his right bicep and his extended arm is only partially extended. Also, his head is now fully tilted to one side and his knees are too close together for any man to be comfortable regardless of how small their balls are. YES! It hits me. Indian man from Bangladesh is gay.
The next few minutes are a bit hazy as i run the previous events through my mind and finally conclude he is gay. The bus gets to my stop and i gladly get off after the very short but very weird ride. Jabir finally convinces me of my suspicion by giving me the happiest wave i've ever received from a stranger as i get off.
It is at times like these that i appreciate having a phone that has video player feature and i sit myself on the bus stop bench and being to watch my last episode of Boondocks. Time flies by and 15 min later the indian fellow from before comes and sits next to me.
Indian: (just loud enough so i can hear him over the headphones) I'm back.
I smile and try to ignore him. I'm not anti-social, Boondocks is really funny.
Indian: (Sitting next to me) Has the bus come by yet?
Kev: (pausing the video, i decide to indulge him) No. (I take my headphones off)
Indian: Do you live here?
Kev: No, i work in West Perth.
Indian: Ah, you work really late? (I know it doesn't look like a question but read it again with an indian accent)
Kev: Just until 8:30, would have been home early if i hadn't missed my bus.
I make my first mistake here when i confuse his interruption for being very social. The small talk goes on for a bit longer and we end up discussing living in Perth. It's at this point that the conversation gets interesting.
Kev: (like i tell everyone) Perth is a nice place to live, it's just not for me.
Indian: Why not?
Kev: Well, it's a bit quiet and the people are a bit funny.
Indian: Yeah, they are very prejudiced and some are really racist but it's not that bad.
What?? What i meant was that the people are a bit laid back i have no idea how prejudice and racisim came into this guys mind. I'm saved from an uncomfortable moment when the bus appears around the corner and i stand up to get the drivers attention.
Now, as an artist i'm used to spotting the smallest of details so i realise that Indian dude has not uncrossed his arms since he sat next to me (second sign i should not have ignored...keep reading, you'll get it). I warranted this to be due to the cold weather but the guy stands up without uncrossing his arms which is a weird and unnatural thing to do. He then proceeds to walk next to me in the strangest manner; arms crossed, head tilted a bit to the right and pelvis thrust awkwardly forward. The first thought that comes to my mind is that he is a bit feminine but i'm guessing it's because of the tight jeans that are currently in fashion in Australia.
Indian dude gets into the bus before me and there's an Australian fellow who looks at him as he walks in (a natural reaction! People tend to be attracted to the doors of the bus when the bus stops). The Australian guy is minding his own business listening to his Ipod when the Indian dude audibly says, "RACIST."
Kev: (convinced i heard him wrong) What?
Indian: (giggling uncontrollably-which is the third sign i should not have ignored) Sorry, i say that when people stare at me with no reason.
Kev: (thinking, "Weirdo!") Ok, i don't really think he was that focused on you.
Indian: (still giggling) Most Australians are...Oh sorry my name's Jabir.
Yes he does stop mid sentence to introduce himself and it is at his point that i notice his stance which was the fourth and final sign. He has uncrossed only his right hand to do the handshake, his left palm is still under his right bicep and his extended arm is only partially extended. Also, his head is now fully tilted to one side and his knees are too close together for any man to be comfortable regardless of how small their balls are. YES! It hits me. Indian man from Bangladesh is gay.
The next few minutes are a bit hazy as i run the previous events through my mind and finally conclude he is gay. The bus gets to my stop and i gladly get off after the very short but very weird ride. Jabir finally convinces me of my suspicion by giving me the happiest wave i've ever received from a stranger as i get off.
Moment of Silence
I'm dedicating this post to my friends.
First in line, my dedication goes to my workmate Gap who lost her father to natural causes this Saturday. She's a nice person who i like to talk to and hang out with and it hurt me to see her crying. I hope her and her family pull through alright.
Secondly i'd like to remember my friend Ali who died after getting swept away by a wave in Albany. It's terrifying to think that it happens without warning. One week i'm kicking a ball around with him in training and the next week the team is wearing black bands around their arms in his memory as they play a game. Sad but that's how life is. I'll miss his Canadian humour.
First in line, my dedication goes to my workmate Gap who lost her father to natural causes this Saturday. She's a nice person who i like to talk to and hang out with and it hurt me to see her crying. I hope her and her family pull through alright.
Secondly i'd like to remember my friend Ali who died after getting swept away by a wave in Albany. It's terrifying to think that it happens without warning. One week i'm kicking a ball around with him in training and the next week the team is wearing black bands around their arms in his memory as they play a game. Sad but that's how life is. I'll miss his Canadian humour.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Back in Oz
While walking through the university today with my friend Matt, we had a conversation i deemed blog worthy. Matt is one of the funniest people i know and he never ceases to amuse me so I'm sure our conversation must have amused the people who were walking behind us as well.
We went to visit the new Humanities common room which is conveniently placed 2 buildings away from our building. Only Curtin University can do something as ingenious as that. We picked up a magazine in the humanities common room that had a listing of all courses available in the humanities department and as soon as Matt's eyes fell on the course 'Anthropology' the convo began:
Matt: You know what course I'd like to do? I'd like to do the 'Indian Jones' course.
Kev: Indiana Jones? (i know how Matt thinks) So you can learn anthropology and still be able to perform acrobatics while retrieving lost artifacts.
Matt: Exactly! You'd be so smart and you'll also learn how to trigger a line of pillars to fall at exactly the perfect speed for you to jump on the heads of the pillars and exit a cave. There should be an Indiana Jones course or a Lara Croft course.
Kev: Maybe it'll depend on your sex when you enrol. If you're male you do the Indiana Jones course and if you're female you do the Lara Croft course.
Matt: True. There's got to be a way they learnt what they know.
Kev: Do you think chicks will have a "how to keep a sexy body while learning anthropology" unit?
Matt: It's all inclusive. I'd say it's about an 8 year course and you learn it all from the anthropology to the ancient booby traps unit to the how to keep a sexy body unit. Doesn't getting exercise reduce your breast size?
Kev: Not for Lara Croft!
Matt: Maybe she's a wet nurse in her free time to keep them big and active...
Kev: Maybe she is..
At this point we walk past the Theatre in Uni which prompts another interesting conversation.
Kev: When was the last time you went to the theatre?
Matt: Can't remember...wait! That's a lie. I went to see an Indian reworking of 'A midsummer dream..Midnight summer...'
Kev: 'A Midsummer Night's Dream?' by Shakespear.
Matt: That's it. But it was all in Hindi and it was done by small Indian acrobats.
Kev: Did you understand it? Do you speak Hindi?
Matt: Not a word. Though it had one or two random words and sentences in English but they were so random they did absolutely nothing to help you understand the plot.
Kev: How did you end up going for that?
Matt: My friend got tickets and took me to see it.
Kev: Is your friend Indian.
Matt: No Caucasian.
Kev: Well, it's good you got that done.
Matt: Yes. Crossed it off my list of things to do before i die. "Watch an Indian reworking of 'A Midsummer Night's dream' performed by small Indian acrobats." Maybe next I'll try to masturbate a camel while rolling down a Swiss alp.
Kev: While singing the Greek National Anthem backwards.
Matt: Of course. Though that might take some setting up.
We went to visit the new Humanities common room which is conveniently placed 2 buildings away from our building. Only Curtin University can do something as ingenious as that. We picked up a magazine in the humanities common room that had a listing of all courses available in the humanities department and as soon as Matt's eyes fell on the course 'Anthropology' the convo began:
Matt: You know what course I'd like to do? I'd like to do the 'Indian Jones' course.
Kev: Indiana Jones? (i know how Matt thinks) So you can learn anthropology and still be able to perform acrobatics while retrieving lost artifacts.
Matt: Exactly! You'd be so smart and you'll also learn how to trigger a line of pillars to fall at exactly the perfect speed for you to jump on the heads of the pillars and exit a cave. There should be an Indiana Jones course or a Lara Croft course.
Kev: Maybe it'll depend on your sex when you enrol. If you're male you do the Indiana Jones course and if you're female you do the Lara Croft course.
Matt: True. There's got to be a way they learnt what they know.
Kev: Do you think chicks will have a "how to keep a sexy body while learning anthropology" unit?
Matt: It's all inclusive. I'd say it's about an 8 year course and you learn it all from the anthropology to the ancient booby traps unit to the how to keep a sexy body unit. Doesn't getting exercise reduce your breast size?
Kev: Not for Lara Croft!
Matt: Maybe she's a wet nurse in her free time to keep them big and active...
Kev: Maybe she is..
At this point we walk past the Theatre in Uni which prompts another interesting conversation.
Kev: When was the last time you went to the theatre?
Matt: Can't remember...wait! That's a lie. I went to see an Indian reworking of 'A midsummer dream..Midnight summer...'
Kev: 'A Midsummer Night's Dream?' by Shakespear.
Matt: That's it. But it was all in Hindi and it was done by small Indian acrobats.
Kev: Did you understand it? Do you speak Hindi?
Matt: Not a word. Though it had one or two random words and sentences in English but they were so random they did absolutely nothing to help you understand the plot.
Kev: How did you end up going for that?
Matt: My friend got tickets and took me to see it.
Kev: Is your friend Indian.
Matt: No Caucasian.
Kev: Well, it's good you got that done.
Matt: Yes. Crossed it off my list of things to do before i die. "Watch an Indian reworking of 'A Midsummer Night's dream' performed by small Indian acrobats." Maybe next I'll try to masturbate a camel while rolling down a Swiss alp.
Kev: While singing the Greek National Anthem backwards.
Matt: Of course. Though that might take some setting up.
Friday, February 29, 2008
The Kenya I Love 9(hit list)
I decided to finish the 'The Kenya I Love' series with a cliche list of things you may experience when in Kenya. Here goes.
You know you're in Kenya when:
1. The policemen ask you to drive on when the traffic light is showing red.
2. There's a sign at the airport that says 'No guns beyond this point'.
3. The driving instructor who is off duty is found driving in the city while talking on a mobile phone.
4. The sign above the sink in a restaurant reads "Please do not spit or wash your face in the hand wash basin".
5. The fire brigade gets to your house 4 hrs after you call when you house has been razed to the gorund.
6. The government destroys your 20 million shilling house to build a road and then never builds it (even 5 years down the line).
7. When you ask for a glass of water at a restaurant the waiter asks you if you intend to drink it.
8. The price of commodities varies depending on your nationality, how you're dressed and the language you speak.
9. Receiving telephone airtime is considered a romantic gesture during valentine's day.
10. Police ask you to pay them a bribe so they do not arrest you for trying to bribe them.
You know you're in Kenya when:
1. The policemen ask you to drive on when the traffic light is showing red.
2. There's a sign at the airport that says 'No guns beyond this point'.
3. The driving instructor who is off duty is found driving in the city while talking on a mobile phone.
4. The sign above the sink in a restaurant reads "Please do not spit or wash your face in the hand wash basin".
5. The fire brigade gets to your house 4 hrs after you call when you house has been razed to the gorund.
6. The government destroys your 20 million shilling house to build a road and then never builds it (even 5 years down the line).
7. When you ask for a glass of water at a restaurant the waiter asks you if you intend to drink it.
8. The price of commodities varies depending on your nationality, how you're dressed and the language you speak.
9. Receiving telephone airtime is considered a romantic gesture during valentine's day.
10. Police ask you to pay them a bribe so they do not arrest you for trying to bribe them.
Friday, February 22, 2008
The Kenya I Love 8(au revoir)
It was an exceptionally fun holiday. It would be difficult to summarise it so instead i'll write the experience i went through on my way back to Austrailia.
The trip to the airport was funny in itself because i kept receiving calls one after another and my pals were sending hilarious messages on the network group-texting service. Once on the plane, the journey became even funnier. I had promised myself that i'd have a heineken on the flight which is normally a bad idea when you at a high altitude because alcohol hits you like a brick. Despite knowing this, a heineken was the first drink i asked for when the air hostess came by. the fellow sitting next to me seemed to be disgusted by my request and stared forward in utter annoyance over his humongous beer belly. Having flown a number of times it's not that hard to spot a rookie on his first flight. The man sitting next to me with the bad stare was definitely a first-timer.
As soon as he had sat down he asked me how i was doing and i thought that was a pleasant thing to do. It's good to sit next to someone social.
Soon after, the stewards were serving dinner and they only had a selection of wine and soft drinks on the trolley. I hadn't planned for this and since i do not take soda i asked for red wine (right after my heineken). As it tends to happen after taking alcohol i became rather giddy after dinner and when the stewards comes again asking if we'd like another drink i don't hesitate to ask for another heineken. The air hostess comes back to me and delivers some dreadful news: there's no more heineken on the flight. So she gives me a budweiser instead!
One budweiser later and i am laughing to myself after remembering moments from my holiday. My movie soon ends after my beer and i am a bit too tipsy to consider sleeping it off. So i remember my social neighbour and shake him up from his concentration (i think he was watching something) to ask him if he plays chess:
Kev: Hey, do you play chess?
Random dude: No.
Kev: (scrolling down the game menu on my screen) How about checkers, do you play checkers?
RD: What?
Kev: Draughts (other name for checkers)? do you play?
RD: No.
It's at this point that i consider maybe i was just being an annoying drunk but the fellow begins to lean forward as if he is air sick (HA! Justice, he refused to play games with me) and soon enough, he excuses himself from the seat and disappears for a while, possibly to vomit. Poor fellow.
We arrive at Dubai without any further incident where i sit down to write this post after discovering that the famous Dubai airport does not sell Absynth because it has too high an alcohol percentage....we obviosuly need some Kenyan entrepreneurs up in here.
The trip to the airport was funny in itself because i kept receiving calls one after another and my pals were sending hilarious messages on the network group-texting service. Once on the plane, the journey became even funnier. I had promised myself that i'd have a heineken on the flight which is normally a bad idea when you at a high altitude because alcohol hits you like a brick. Despite knowing this, a heineken was the first drink i asked for when the air hostess came by. the fellow sitting next to me seemed to be disgusted by my request and stared forward in utter annoyance over his humongous beer belly. Having flown a number of times it's not that hard to spot a rookie on his first flight. The man sitting next to me with the bad stare was definitely a first-timer.
As soon as he had sat down he asked me how i was doing and i thought that was a pleasant thing to do. It's good to sit next to someone social.
Soon after, the stewards were serving dinner and they only had a selection of wine and soft drinks on the trolley. I hadn't planned for this and since i do not take soda i asked for red wine (right after my heineken). As it tends to happen after taking alcohol i became rather giddy after dinner and when the stewards comes again asking if we'd like another drink i don't hesitate to ask for another heineken. The air hostess comes back to me and delivers some dreadful news: there's no more heineken on the flight. So she gives me a budweiser instead!
One budweiser later and i am laughing to myself after remembering moments from my holiday. My movie soon ends after my beer and i am a bit too tipsy to consider sleeping it off. So i remember my social neighbour and shake him up from his concentration (i think he was watching something) to ask him if he plays chess:
Kev: Hey, do you play chess?
Random dude: No.
Kev: (scrolling down the game menu on my screen) How about checkers, do you play checkers?
RD: What?
Kev: Draughts (other name for checkers)? do you play?
RD: No.
It's at this point that i consider maybe i was just being an annoying drunk but the fellow begins to lean forward as if he is air sick (HA! Justice, he refused to play games with me) and soon enough, he excuses himself from the seat and disappears for a while, possibly to vomit. Poor fellow.
We arrive at Dubai without any further incident where i sit down to write this post after discovering that the famous Dubai airport does not sell Absynth because it has too high an alcohol percentage....we obviosuly need some Kenyan entrepreneurs up in here.
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