Barbecue Mermaid

I've built a small reputation for coming up with rather silly questions some of those being; "what would you do if you found out your husband of 3 years was an alien?" or "would you charge the government for your services if you were a super hero?". Recently i've been asking my friends if they would eat a mermaid and you would be surprised at the number of people that would do it if they were hungry. What's even stranger is that the funniest response i've got from this question was from a vegetarian friend of mine called Kurt. This is the conversation we had at work:

Kev: Do you like fish Kurt?
Kurt: No...yes...well i don't eat fish but they are nice animals.
Kev: Why don't you eat fish?
Kurt: I don't eat all types of meat. I'm vegetarian.
Kev: is it from religious reasons or do you not like the taste of it or are you an animal lover?
Kurt: animal lover, i think it's wrong to kill all animals.
Kev:(smiling) You'd love it in Kenya then. Coz we really love animals...especially with some salt.

Kev: Anyhoo, if the water crisis in WA deteriorated beyond repair and you were starving, you walk along the beach and meet a mermaid that dies in your arms, would you eat the fish part?
Kurt: (laughing) What the hell?
Kev: Seriously. IT'S FISH and not only that but it's fresh fish coz the mermaid just died.
Kurt: It's raw.
Kev: You don't like sushi? Fine there's a sudden bolt of lightening that strikes a tree near you and you have fire.

Kurt: i still wouldn't eat it. I don't eat meat.
Kev: but you're starving! i.e. eat the fish or die.
Kurt: i guess if i'm starving i'd eat the whole thing. including the human part.
Kev: (laughing) Thought so, YOU MONSTER. (now that i had got the response i wanted i change the subject) What do mermaids eat though?
Kurt: Kev, mermaid's don't exist.
Kev: Yeah but if they did what would they eat? I mean if they eat fish it's half cannibalism and if they eat humans it's also half cannibalism? What did they eat in "The Little Mermaid"?

Kurt: maybe they are vegetarian?
Kev: Not everyone's vegetarian Kurt, just you are.
Kurt: (laughing)they probably eat seaweed of some type of sea vegetable. Maybe when some ship carrying livestock hits an iceberg they celebrate by eating the cows that fall into the water.
Kev: Probably. They guy who finds them calls all his pals over for a barbecue. I wonder how they'd barbecue it under water though...

Along came a spider....or 10

(You will appreciate this blog post much more if you had the tune from The good, the bad and the ugly playing in your head as you read it)
The 8 legged arachnid poses stealthily on the carpet. Almost fully camoflouged. Waiting for it's next victim. The humble creature does not suspect a thing as the large homo sapien life form moves towards it with a red can. A blast of cold compressed air makes the arachnid panic and try to scurry away from it's frost emiting adversery when suddenly it's tiny book lungs are filled a poisonous substance. The creature struggles to try and move it's half hydraulic-half muscle legs in an attempt to get to a region that's not polluted and fill its lungs with sweet clean air but his muscles are failing due to the lack of oxygen and he begins to panic.
The posion quickly spreads to the rest of its body. Its hind legs now dead. It keeps trying to drag itself forwards with his other apendages. The pain is unbearable now and his body topples over to one side. All legs slowly come together in a curled pattern to stop at their final resting position.
And the spider, once a free beast on the endless plain that was my carpet is no more.
A sudden influx of spiders into our house has made Doom our best friend.(By 'Doom' i mean the insecticide that kills instantly, not the computer game, the bad guy in fantastic four or prophet of) So at the moment our carpet has been aptly nicknamed the spider graveyard having killed about 10 spiders on it. It is a hard job, but someone's gotta do it. Keep the peace in the house by patrolling the corridors and elminating all threats.

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From Bangladesh With Love

Having slowly walked from my work place i conveniently missed the bus that takes me quickly home and had to wait 30 minutes in the cold wind for the next bus. As i finish checking the bus timetable an indian fellow asks me what time the next bus is. I tell him half an hour. The fellow then tells me he'll go back home and then come back out when the bus comes.

It is at times like these that i appreciate having a phone that has video player feature and i sit myself on the bus stop bench and being to watch my last episode of Boondocks. Time flies by and 15 min later the indian fellow from before comes and sits next to me.

Indian: (just loud enough so i can hear him over the headphones) I'm back.

I smile and try to ignore him. I'm not anti-social, Boondocks is really funny.

Indian: (Sitting next to me) Has the bus come by yet?
Kev: (pausing the video, i decide to indulge him) No. (I take my headphones off)
Indian: Do you live here?
Kev: No, i work in West Perth.
Indian: Ah, you work really late? (I know it doesn't look like a question but read it again with an indian accent)
Kev: Just until 8:30, would have been home early if i hadn't missed my bus.


I make my first mistake here when i confuse his interruption for being very social. The small talk goes on for a bit longer and we end up discussing living in Perth. It's at this point that the conversation gets interesting.


Kev: (like i tell everyone) Perth is a nice place to live, it's just not for me.
Indian: Why not?
Kev: Well, it's a bit quiet and the people are a bit funny.
Indian: Yeah, they are very prejudiced and some are really racist but it's not that bad.

What?? What i meant was that the people are a bit laid back i have no idea how prejudice and racisim came into this guys mind. I'm saved from an uncomfortable moment when the bus appears around the corner and i stand up to get the drivers attention.

Now, as an artist i'm used to spotting the smallest of details so i realise that Indian dude has not uncrossed his arms since he sat next to me (second sign i should not have ignored...keep reading, you'll get it). I warranted this to be due to the cold weather but the guy stands up without uncrossing his arms which is a weird and unnatural thing to do. He then proceeds to walk next to me in the strangest manner; arms crossed, head tilted a bit to the right and pelvis thrust awkwardly forward. The first thought that comes to my mind is that he is a bit feminine but i'm guessing it's because of the tight jeans that are currently in fashion in Australia.

Indian dude gets into the bus before me and there's an Australian fellow who looks at him as he walks in (a natural reaction! People tend to be attracted to the doors of the bus when the bus stops). The Australian guy is minding his own business listening to his Ipod when the Indian dude audibly says, "RACIST."


Kev: (convinced i heard him wrong) What?
Indian: (giggling uncontrollably-which is the third sign i should not have ignored) Sorry, i say that when people stare at me with no reason.
Kev: (thinking, "Weirdo!") Ok, i don't really think he was that focused on you.
Indian: (still giggling) Most Australians are...Oh sorry my name's Jabir.

Yes he does stop mid sentence to introduce himself and it is at his point that i notice his stance which was the fourth and final sign. He has uncrossed only his right hand to do the handshake, his left palm is still under his right bicep and his extended arm is only partially extended. Also, his head is now fully tilted to one side and his knees are too close together for any man to be comfortable regardless of how small their balls are. YES! It hits me. Indian man from Bangladesh is gay.

The next few minutes are a bit hazy as i run the previous events through my mind and finally conclude he is gay. The bus gets to my stop and i gladly get off after the very short but very weird ride. Jabir finally convinces me of my suspicion by giving me the happiest wave i've ever received from a stranger as i get off.

Moment of Silence

I'm dedicating this post to my friends.
First in line, my dedication goes to my workmate Gap who lost her father to natural causes this Saturday. She's a nice person who i like to talk to and hang out with and it hurt me to see her crying. I hope her and her family pull through alright.
Secondly i'd like to remember my friend Ali who died after getting swept away by a wave in Albany. It's terrifying to think that it happens without warning. One week i'm kicking a ball around with him in training and the next week the team is wearing black bands around their arms in his memory as they play a game. Sad but that's how life is. I'll miss his Canadian humour.

Back in Oz

While walking through the university today with my friend Matt, we had a conversation i deemed blog worthy. Matt is one of the funniest people i know and he never ceases to amuse me so I'm sure our conversation must have amused the people who were walking behind us as well.


We went to visit the new Humanities common room which is conveniently placed 2 buildings away from our building. Only Curtin University can do something as ingenious as that. We picked up a magazine in the humanities common room that had a listing of all courses available in the humanities department and as soon as Matt's eyes fell on the course 'Anthropology' the convo began:


Matt: You know what course I'd like to do? I'd like to do the 'Indian Jones' course.
Kev: Indiana Jones? (i know how Matt thinks) So you can learn anthropology and still be able to perform acrobatics while retrieving lost artifacts.
Matt: Exactly! You'd be so smart and you'll also learn how to trigger a line of pillars to fall at exactly the perfect speed for you to jump on the heads of the pillars and exit a cave. There should be an Indiana Jones course or a Lara Croft course.
Kev: Maybe it'll depend on your sex when you enrol. If you're male you do the Indiana Jones course and if you're female you do the Lara Croft course.
Matt: True. There's got to be a way they learnt what they know.


Kev: Do you think chicks will have a "how to keep a sexy body while learning anthropology" unit?
Matt: It's all inclusive. I'd say it's about an 8 year course and you learn it all from the anthropology to the ancient booby traps unit to the how to keep a sexy body unit. Doesn't getting exercise reduce your breast size?
Kev: Not for Lara Croft!
Matt: Maybe she's a wet nurse in her free time to keep them big and active...
Kev: Maybe she is..


At this point we walk past the Theatre in Uni which prompts another interesting conversation.


Kev: When was the last time you went to the theatre?
Matt: Can't remember...wait! That's a lie. I went to see an Indian reworking of 'A midsummer dream..Midnight summer...'
Kev: 'A Midsummer Night's Dream?' by Shakespear.
Matt: That's it. But it was all in Hindi and it was done by small Indian acrobats.


Kev: Did you understand it? Do you speak Hindi?
Matt: Not a word. Though it had one or two random words and sentences in English but they were so random they did absolutely nothing to help you understand the plot.
Kev: How did you end up going for that?
Matt: My friend got tickets and took me to see it.
Kev: Is your friend Indian.
Matt: No Caucasian.


Kev: Well, it's good you got that done.
Matt: Yes. Crossed it off my list of things to do before i die. "Watch an Indian reworking of 'A Midsummer Night's dream' performed by small Indian acrobats." Maybe next I'll try to masturbate a camel while rolling down a Swiss alp.
Kev: While singing the Greek National Anthem backwards.
Matt: Of course. Though that might take some setting up.

The Kenya I Love 9(hit list)

I decided to finish the 'The Kenya I Love' series with a cliche list of things you may experience when in Kenya. Here goes.

You know you're in Kenya when:

1. The policemen ask you to drive on when the traffic light is showing red.

2. There's a sign at the airport that says 'No guns beyond this point'.

3. The driving instructor who is off duty is found driving in the city while talking on a mobile phone.

4. The sign above the sink in a restaurant reads "Please do not spit or wash your face in the hand wash basin".

5. The fire brigade gets to your house 4 hrs after you call when you house has been razed to the gorund.

6. The government destroys your 20 million shilling house to build a road and then never builds it (even 5 years down the line).

7. When you ask for a glass of water at a restaurant the waiter asks you if you intend to drink it.

8. The price of commodities varies depending on your nationality, how you're dressed and the language you speak.

9. Receiving telephone airtime is considered a romantic gesture during valentine's day.

10. Police ask you to pay them a bribe so they do not arrest you for trying to bribe them.

The Kenya I Love 8(au revoir)

It was an exceptionally fun holiday. It would be difficult to summarise it so instead i'll write the experience i went through on my way back to Austrailia.

The trip to the airport was funny in itself because i kept receiving calls one after another and my pals were sending hilarious messages on the network group-texting service. Once on the plane, the journey became even funnier. I had promised myself that i'd have a heineken on the flight which is normally a bad idea when you at a high altitude because alcohol hits you like a brick. Despite knowing this, a heineken was the first drink i asked for when the air hostess came by. the fellow sitting next to me seemed to be disgusted by my request and stared forward in utter annoyance over his humongous beer belly. Having flown a number of times it's not that hard to spot a rookie on his first flight. The man sitting next to me with the bad stare was definitely a first-timer.

As soon as he had sat down he asked me how i was doing and i thought that was a pleasant thing to do. It's good to sit next to someone social.

Soon after, the stewards were serving dinner and they only had a selection of wine and soft drinks on the trolley. I hadn't planned for this and since i do not take soda i asked for red wine (right after my heineken). As it tends to happen after taking alcohol i became rather giddy after dinner and when the stewards comes again asking if we'd like another drink i don't hesitate to ask for another heineken. The air hostess comes back to me and delivers some dreadful news: there's no more heineken on the flight. So she gives me a budweiser instead!

One budweiser later and i am laughing to myself after remembering moments from my holiday. My movie soon ends after my beer and i am a bit too tipsy to consider sleeping it off. So i remember my social neighbour and shake him up from his concentration (i think he was watching something) to ask him if he plays chess:

Kev: Hey, do you play chess?
Random dude: No.
Kev: (scrolling down the game menu on my screen) How about checkers, do you play checkers?
RD: What?
Kev: Draughts (other name for checkers)? do you play?
RD: No.

It's at this point that i consider maybe i was just being an annoying drunk but the fellow begins to lean forward as if he is air sick (HA! Justice, he refused to play games with me) and soon enough, he excuses himself from the seat and disappears for a while, possibly to vomit. Poor fellow.

We arrive at Dubai without any further incident where i sit down to write this post after discovering that the famous Dubai airport does not sell Absynth because it has too high an alcohol percentage....we obviosuly need some Kenyan entrepreneurs up in here.

The Kenya I Love 7(total unrecall)

Being the smart person that i am i decided that since i was not driving last weekend i'd make sure i get really drunk. Which normally isn't a bad idea because i don't drink that much even when i do want to get drunk. This time it was a different issue. I somehow got into my head that i'd be able to finish a bottle of Kenya King and still walk out in a stable state of mind. YEAH RIGHT. Half an hour after finishing the KK i can't remember a thing. I have total memory loss between 11pm and 6am. 7hours of my life that i lost. What happened between those 7 hours will be mentioned on the blog as soon as i find out when i meet my friends again for the full story.

What i want to write about today was the conversation that i had with my parents when the result of such blatant consumption of cheap liqour revealed itself to my parents when i up chucked my previous nights endeavours in front of my father at the Tanzania-Kenya border customs office. My mother was sorting out issues with the customs officials and our passports so she never got to witness the horror that my dad did. My dad, however, didn't say a word but simply handed me the car keys so i could get tissue from the car to wipe myself clean. The conversation was picked up when we all got back into the car to continue our journey into Tanzania. Expecting to be given a lecture i treaded carefully. This was the conversation that followed:

Dad: How are you feeling now? Still feeling sick?

Mum: He was feeling sick?

Kev: (taking the plunge) Yeah, i vomited outside the customs office.

Dad: This is is why you should not drink on an empty stomach. (What?) Did you have anything to eat yesterday before you drank?

Kev: Yes i did eat. (Slighty surprised to hear the concern in his voice)

Mum: Maybe, it's coz he mixed drinks. Did you mix drinks.

Kev: Yes. (how much more honest can i be) I mixed a few drinks.

Mum: (nodding her head) That's why. Anyway, you learn from your mistakes. Next time you won't mix drinks.

Kev: OK.

I was just happy that there was going to be a next time.

The Kenya I Love 6(remixed)

Amidst all the hullabaloo in the media about the rigged election, there was a story that i found of particular interest which was sidelined. The news reported that an extended family of 56 people was planning on committing suicide because they were unhappy about their level of poverty. The family of 56 has unanimously decided to commit suicide because they were tired of living in poverty and were hoping to bring the situation to an end because nothing could be worse than what they were experiencing.

I'm willing to bet that this extended family is religious and they were hoping for getter things in the afterlife after spending the majority of their lives on earth struggling. It seems like a very sad story if you saw the clip on the news and it would warm most people's hearts, wouldn't it? Was that what they wanted? Maybe they came up with this mass suicide as an attempt to get media attention (which worked) and then eventually get rich people with a soft spot to send them some money and end their poverty.

The story wasn't covered at all in the later days and the people who missed it the first time would not have heard the rest of it. Well, lucky for me my ex girlfriend is a journalist and the news article came up when we met to catch up. I asked her what the latest on the story was and she told me that 2 weeks down the line the family had managed to finish digging 7 graves.
Let's get some mathematics into this issue. Assuming that 20 of the 56 family members were below grave digging age (which is a very generous assumption especially considering that child labor laws are non-existent in Kenya and the poorer the family is the younger their children begin working). That leaves 36 family members. Now let's say half of these were ladies who's job was to source food and water for the hard working men digging the graves. We now have 18 men digging these supposed graves.

THIS IS WHY THE FAMILY IS POOR. They are outright LAZY! If you're going to dig graves then get to it. 7 graves in 2 weeks with a workforce of 18 men doing nothing but digging graves is just a poor show!

The Kenya I Love 5 (fluffy and friends)

Despite the wanton theft of votes by the government that resulted in one of the worst new years celebrations ever, the holiday has still been a blast. Can't really structure a full story now so I'll put in some conversations I've had with the boys since coming back.

Now this is a funny one. We were going out for the rave (what Aussie's would call clubbing/going out) when my friend Nick makes a very valid point. This is the scenario: I've just come from picking Nick up from his house and we are leaving Nyari estate (one of the 'posh' estates in Nairobi) and the song 'I'm so hood' by DJ Khaleed plays on the CD player. There's Nick, his brother Mark and I in the car and we are all gangster rapping along to the lyrics of the song coz cool guys know the lyrics to such kind of music. Halfway through the song Nick reaches towards the volume knob and to the protests of Mark and I, he reduces the volume. This is the conversation that follows:

Mark: What did you do that for?
Nick: Ebu (please) just skip that song.
Kev: Why?
Nick: Coz there's no one in this car who is hood at all! We're rolling out of Nyari in a BMW about to spend a lot of money on getting drunk when people around the country are killing each other because they are upset that their votes were stolen on election day. NONE OF US ARE HOOD!

Well, he does have a point.

******

Another conversation i recently had was a discussion over lunch with my ex B who has a morbid fear of mangoes. Not quite sure how the conversation started but we ended up talking about fruits.
B: I don't like bananas, do you eat bananas?
Kev: (getting my mind out of the gutter) Yeah i do. How about oranges?
B: Oranges? Oh my gosh. I've never tasted a sweet orange in my life...EVER! They are so bitter.
Kev: What fruits do you eat then? Do you like durian's? I hate those fruits. They even have an ice cream flavour of the damn thing in oz. It's disgusting.
B: The one that's soft and white inside...ewww.
Kev: Do you eat fruits? At all.
B: Of course! I'm just a bit picky.
Kev: (raising eyebrows) A bit? How about mangoes?
B: Don't even mention mangoes in my presence. Do you know that if you eat a mango you'll get a cold?
Kev: I ate a mango yesterday and I'm feeling fine.
B: Then you're just lucky. Every time i eat a mango i get a cold.
Kev: What like a flu? Runny nose and all?
B: Yes.
Kev: Question, every time you eat a mango do you happen to be eating it while standing naked in the rain?
B: No. Mangoes are evil! I don't trust them.

The Kenya I Love 4(conclusion?)

(conversations are translated from Swahili)

Previously on 'The Kenya I Love'

Tired of the entire fiasco i decided to come back later and sure enough i as back at the station at 1:45pm. I walk in to find a different lady at the reception desk. The police station was still empty.

It gets even funnier! I walk up to the reception desk to talk to the new lady sitting there possibly in for the afternoon shift (and yes she is also a plus size lady).
Kevin: I was told to come back at 2 o'clock for an abstract for a lost drivers license...
Ladycop4: Have you already reported it?
Kevin: Yes (i pull out the strip of paper that had my very important reference number on it and show it to her)
Ladycop4: (looking at the paper for much longer than is necessary) The lady who writes abstracts (ladycop3) has not come back from lunch. Come back at 2 o'clock.
Kevin: 2 o'clock is 15 minutes away.
Ladycop4: Yes, come back at 2 o'clock.
Kevin: Can i sit in the reception for the 15 minutes?
Ladycop4: (making a face like i have just revealed my secret fifth nipple despite the fact that the place was totally empty except for me an her) Ok.

Now before i continue this i need to try and explain the layout of the police station. The building is basically a rectangle with an open area in the middle that i am sure used to be a leisure area but was converted to a dodgy holding area for minor offenders. So the place basically has a corridor that loops around the holding area with offices to either side of the corridor except around the holding area.
The windows around the walls of the holding area are above regular height and you can therefore not look through them from either side of the wall....or so i thought. I'm sitting there minding my own business when this crook, who was probably arrested the night before, jumps up in the holding area, grabs the bars on the window above standing level and hoists himself up to look through the gap. He looks straight at me and smiles. Looks left down the corridor, right down the corridor and seeming satisfied he drops back down to the holding area.
I stifle a laugh as a very sad lady walks into the room. Very meek, she approaches the reception desk and talks to Ladycop4 in a voice to low for me to hear. Ladycop4 seems experienced in dealing with this kind of behavior so she listens to the lady and after a few minutes of talking in hushed tones she disappears into a door behind her later on emerging with a short man in her wake. The fellow steps into the room in a manner to suggest that there's a tiger around the corner and he's very wary of it. He pokes his head in and surveys the area. Sure that the tiger must be hiding, he walks in slowly and acknowledges the new lady who i am guessing is his wife or a loving sister.
They talk in hushed tones under strict supervision of Ladycop4 who intercedes when a thermos is produced with a hot drink brought for the man who seems to have missed out on a lot of sleep the previous night. At 10 past 2pm exactly Ladycop3 walks in and drags me to her office once again. I wish i could put another funny conversation here but nothing of the sort happens. She quickly writes up the abstract asking a few questions here and there, asks me for my money and gives me a receipt. The process takes a total of 6 minutes which brings the question 'Why did it take me a day to get this piece of paper when it would have taken 6 minutes to write up at the reception desk?'

I Love Kenya.

The Kenya i love 3(reloaded)

(conversations are translated from Swahili)

Previously on 'The Kenya i love'...

Ladycop1: Here's your reference number, don't lose it. You'll need to take that to the Traffic office so they can give you an abstract.
I fold the strip of paper and put it in my back pocket grateful that the first step was done without being asked for a bribe.
Ladycop1: (to Ladycop2 who had finished going through the DVDs but had bought none) Madam, could you write for this young guy (kijana) an abstract.
Ladycop2: Abstract? There are no abstracts here, they got finished.
Ladycop1: Are you sure?
Ladycop2: Yes (walking into the station with her hands in her pockets) I'm sure they got finished.
A short moment of silence follows and i can almost feel them asking me to leave with their eyes. At any moment now I'll be asked to come back the next day which is typical of a Kenyan police station, almost impossible to finish your business on one day even when you are the only person reporting something like i was.
Ladycop2: Maybe we can get one from the next building, i think they have a few.
Ladycop1: I don't think they are open today.
More silence
Ladycop2: Why don't you do this; go into the traffic office and see if that lady in there can help you.

Ok, now when you are asked to 'see if they can help you' the help usually comes after the person who is 'helping' me will go out of his/her way to complete this basic task and will expect a little bit of money as a gesture of thanks for them going to extreme lengths. Knowing this i decided to hold on to a faint hope that bribery will not come into the issue. At least, i wasn't asked to come back tomorrow.
Kevin: Where's her office?
Ladycop2: Walk straight down, take a left and it will be the second door on the right.
Kevin: (still with some Australian in me) What's the number on the door?
Ladycop2: It doesn't have a number it's the second door on the right you won't miss it.
Surely enough i didn't miss it. I walk in to find a plus size lady sitting behind a desk looking rather busy. It's at this point that i realise everyone in the station has a bulging gut, probably more from receiving bribes than from sitting idle which makes you wonder whether the police service has a regular fitness test that they put their officers through...i doubt it.
Kevin: (Trying to interrupt her very important business as politely as possible) Excuse me, the lady at the the front told me to come here to get an abstract.
Ladycop3: (Looking the least bit interested in the business i had at the station) I don't have any at the moment maybe if you come back at 2? (Yes, this was a question, not a statement. The inflection at the end was hard to miss, she clearly wanted a bribe so that she could bother with helping me. I refused to budge.)
Kevin: Fine. There was something i wanted to do in town anyway so I'll come back once I'm done with that.
Ladycop3: (I could swear she was relieved that i was going) Why don't you check on the Internet. You can go to the police website and download and abstract from there.
Wow, she really wanted to help me. Seeing that things were looking up and i was going to check my mail i decided i can spare a few more minutes and download the abstract.
Kevin: So, what's the address for the site?
Ladycop3: I don't know. We usually just send people to get them and they come back with one.
Kevin:........(Yes, i was speechless.)
Ladycop3: Or you just come back at 2pm.

Tired of the entire fiasco i decided to come back later and sure enough i as back at the station at 1:45pm. I
walk in to find a different lady at the reception desk. The police station was still empty.

(...to be continued)