gay umbrellas and goody goodys

It began as a day that seemed to be destined for failure. I woke up two hours later than i was supposed to and hence was 2 hours late for my classes in uni. My lecturer didn't seem to mind my late entrance so i was happy i had got away with it.

It was in this class that i discovered Australia's version of PATCO (a sweet that i go ga-ga about in Kenya that is basically sugar compacted into a round shape) when my classmate whipped out a bag of the stuff and handed them to the rest of the class. The diabetes inducing candy melted in my mouth bringing back fond memories and i forgot about the terrible morning.

This moment of elation only lasted until my next class when my other lecturer proceeded to decimate my work hence sending me into panic mode because all my uni work is due on Friday 2nd November which was only a week away. At the end of the class I decided to take the 'constructive criticism' in my stride as i dashed in the rain towards my bus which i would definitely miss if i wasted anymore time and being late for work was not one of the things i wanted to add to my day.

Mid-drenching i remembered that i had my trusty pink umbrella in my bag. Not surprisingly, i decided to run the few 100meters to the bus without brandishing my ultra-gay umbrella. I'd rather have got a bit wet than had to withstand the dozens of staring eyes i would have received had i boarded the bus holding it. The bus is in site and i pick up the pace just to make sure that i don't miss it. I reach the bus just as the last person is boarding and from 1 meter away i leap like a seasoned ballerina through the door.

This is when my left leg betrays me and slips due to the puddle of water that has accumulated on the slick surface at the entrance of the bus and i am sent skidding forwards. Luckily for me, my soon to be embarrassing descent to the floor is stopped by the collision between my shin and the edge of the bus where the wheelchair ramp comes out from. I barely manage to hold my self up by grabbing the doors on either side of the bus entrance.

On this occassion, pride came after the fall. Despite the 'ooohs' from the passengers and the 'whoa there' from the bus driver I put on a brave face and refused to let the seering pain shooting up my shin show on my face. I tagged on and walked to an empty seat trying my hardest not to show how much pain i was actually in. This did not deter the passengers from looking at me as i walked passed nor the younger commuters from having mini-outbursts from suppressed giggles. Nevertheless, i ignored them and maintained my facade until i got to my stop...and then a little more until i got home where i rolled uo my trousers to survey the damage. It was more an impact thing that a cut thing so i was fine to go to work.

*****

After coming back from work i proceed to tell my housemates about my new discovery of Australian PATCO. Juan, Nyambu, Allal and I continue to reminisce about forgotten affairs with our favorite snacks from 'back in the day'. Some of the mentioned ones were Choose (some of the messiest corn snacks ever invented), Fudge, Mint-choc and goody goody which was some dodgy candy that posed great difficulty in the chewing department.

It was here that a conversation between Nyambu and i brought me to remember how my dad rationed our snacks when we were young in an effort to make sure we grew up with healthy teeth (something tells me that maintiaining a healthy wallet was part of the agenda). Juan (my sister) and i were only allowed 1 day to have snacks and this was normally Sunday. My dad was very prompt to take away our Sunday treats if we were to choose to have a snack mid-week.

I distinctly remember when my sister and i used to compete to see who would take longest to finish their snack/chocolate of the week. We discovered many things at this age. We found out that Chocolates can be eaten in halves. Half on Sunday, and the other half the following Monday for break at school. We also discovered that the dextrosol powder (the came in several flavours) had sweetness that was indirectly proportional to the amount of water you put into it. That is, the less water you put in the glass before adding the stuff, the sweeter it was. It became so serious that the glass was abandoned altogether and we resulted to putting 2 or 3 drops of water into the pack and waiting for it to spread as far as we could before we ate the powdery stuff. We were born to be good in chemistry.

Those were the days.

Chris Who????

A lot of planning to include the Linkin Park concert into my busy lifestyle finally paid off. It was a lot of missed sleep and a lot of compromising but it was all worth it.



The following takes place between 6:30pm and 10:30pm:



6:30pm

My sister, Juan, and i get into the car to go pick my friend Cerebro. It's a few minutes before we realise that the concert tickets were still stuck on the fridge. Juan prances towards the kitchen like a graceful gazelle to grab the tickets and we finally set off.



6:45pm

Cerebro is waiting impatiently outside his house. i don't blame him, i had said i'd be there at 6:15. The idea was to avoid the traffic that preceeds getting into the joint. I reassure everyone by telling them that they won't actually begin performing at 7 o clock sharp.



7:15pm

I am proven right. We are now sitted and i am deeply regretting buying these tickets because it seems there were 'standing tickets' available for the occassion. Odd that i had never heard of these tickets. I'm sure they were not available online.



Anyways we settle amongst the black t-shirt wearing masses. Not only were we a fair distance from the stage, but we were sitting in front of a row of Americans who had no problems with sharing their opinions with everyone. Granted, most of those opinions were pretty funny. They begin with talking about the essential techniques required for crowd surfing.



Guy1: You can't body surf with you shoes on, you know why?

Guy2: Why?

Guy1: Coz if they fall off, the first person to find them will just chuck them across the crowd and you'll never find them.

Guy2: Really?

Guy1: Yeah i remember this time this friend of mine was crowd surfing, and he jumped up with his shoes on...(yeah, we've all had friends who crowd surfed haven't we......)



The Burswood Dome is engulfed in an ear shattering scream as Chris Cornell, Conel, Conelly...Chris Someone takes the stage to do a set intended to warm up the crowd before Linkin Park performs...Needless to say, the fellow failed miserably at maintaining interest of the black t-shirt wearing masses.



7:35pm

Into Chris' 3rd song. I know it's his 3rd song, not because i was so enthralled by his performance, but because i was drifting to sleep during every song and only waking up when the music peaks at the beginning of every next one. Seeing this trend continuing for a long while to come i occupy myself trying to count the number of seats in the dome (yes, Chris Someone was that entertaining).



7:40pm

Chris becomes my favorite artist for the next 5 min because he does a cover for the song "Like A Stone" by his band Audioslave, only one of the best rock songs ever. But he quickly drops down the food chain and right back to scum of the earth when he does the next song.

"in your house,

i long to be,

room by room,

patiently,

i'll wait for you there,

like a stone..."

8:15pm

Chris finishes his 6th or 7th song, the crowd goes silent, this is it, the time we have all been waiting for......

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He starts another song. The crowd halfheartedly goes back to cheering him on. The night is progressively getting worse.



8:20pm

Guy 1 (summarising Chris' performance to a tee): THAT WAS A FUCKING LONG SET!
They proceed to give us a half hr long break for people to do whatever needs to be done. Juan and Cerebro go on to get something to eat while i wait with Frenchie, my workmate from France. After a few minutes of whinging about how much a waste of money this is becoming we start talking about the rugby world cup. He was upset that France lost the semi-final to England.

8:55pm

They put of the lights and the crowd goes wild. I'm afraid of putting Linkin Park's performance into words because i will not be able to do them justice. Saying it was an electric performance would be the understatement of the year.

9:45pm

Linkin Park have stepped off the stage and the black t-shirt wearing masses have forgotten about Chris Someone as they beg for an Encore. A great tension is built as the stage remains empty but it dissolves within micro-seconds as Chester get's back on stage to perform another 3 songs before the show is actually over.

10:10pm

I've lost Frenchie in the crowd but Cerebro, Juan and I walk to the car complaining about Chris' performance. All in good cheer, we accept that the concert is finally over and we can now turn our focus back to our Uni work.

10:30pm

Back home again, at the spot where i spend the most time, in front of Debra.

Discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me

Distracting/reacting

Against my will I stand beside my own reflection

It's haunting how I can't seem...

To find myself again

My walls are closing in

(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)I've felt this way before

So insecure

Crawling in my skin

These wounds they will not heal

Fear is how I fall

Confusing what is real

Smack that!

What begun as a mundane day, driving around looking for someone to buy tyres from, turned out to be fairly interesting as i caught a bus to work. The bus's lateness was not a sign of good things to come considering i had just been told that my tyres are too old and could explode at any moment. Nevertheless, i got onto the bus and walked to the furthest seat right at the back and in the middle coz it seemed that everyone that commuted via the 288 route was on the bus and there was almost no space available.

The asian dude sitting on my left is leaning his head against the window (slacker! it's 12pm and he's already sleepy) and the other guy on my right needs to stop eating burgers especially on such days when there's no space on the bus and he is occupying 2 seats.

2 stops down the road this family of 3 ladies, a gentleman and 2 children board the bus. Child 1 is ahead of the pack and he leaves his dad paying the fare as he walks down the entire length bus looking for a place to sit. The young, blonde, green-eyed Australian boy stops 3 feet in front on me and asks (to everyone) "can i get a seat?". "sure", i say, seeing as no one seemed eager to reply to the young fellow.

I move left towards the asian dude and he makes himself comfortable on the middle seat of the back bench. Unable to control his social self, the boy strikes up a conversation with me that went like this:
Child 1: "My name's Curtis."
Kev: "My name's Kevin."
(Curtis's dad comes to the back and after taking one look at fat dude, he decides he'll sit on the chair in front and to the right of curtis)
Curtis's dad: "You sit there and be a good boy Curtis." (Curtis nods)

Curtis: (turning back to me): "I'm seven years old."
Kevin:(indulging the child)"Really?"
Curtis: (nodding enthusiastically)"Yes. How old are you?"
Kevin: "How old do you think i am?"
Curtis: "ummmmmm" (puts his finger to his cheek in deep thought)"26?"
Kevin: (smile) "No, but you're pretty close, try again."
Curtis: "27?...28?" (Clearly the chid has not learned the art of flattery yet so i decide to end his quriousity)

Kevin: I'm 21.
(Curtis is deeply amazed at this...really needs to work on his flattery skills)
Kevin: (deciding to make the convo a bit productive to the boys future i pose him a math question) How many years do you have until you turn 21?
Curtis: (takes a moment to count with his fingers... then shrugs) "i don't know."
Kev: "It's 14 years"
Curtis:"14...and how old will you be after 14 years?"
Kev:"35."
Curtis:"And how old will you be after ....25 years?"
Kev:(thinking) "um..46?"
Curtis:" And how old will you be after 32 years?"
(this mathematical challenge turned out to be an obviously bad idea especially considering that it was now questioning MY mathematical ability.)

The maths challenge goes on for about 5 min, with longer gaps before my responses as i struggle to calculate in my mind, until Curtis asks how old i will be after 2000 years. I tell him i don't think i'd be able to get that far and he asks me why. At this point, fat dude, asian dude and Curtis's dad all turn to look at me and i hope, for my sake, that the child already knows about death. I take the easy way out and tell him i cannot calculate that far... the dad seems satisfied with my answer.

Curtis:(after a few moments of silence) Are you getting off here?
Kevin: No. I'm going to the city.
Curtis:Oh.

Curtis: (looking all shy) "have you heard that song 'smack that'?" (he demonstrates the 'smack' by waving his arm across his face.)
Kevin: "Yes i have."(sensing another potentially embarassing situation i act fast)"But i don't know the lyrics, can you sing it for me?"(hah! tables are turned now bitch!)
Curtis:"No." (well, that was a short battle)
Curtis: "Are you getting off here?"
Kevin: "Not yet, do you want me to get off here?"
Curtis:(shakes head) "No."

Kevin: "Do you go to school Curtis? Or are you on holiday now?"
(Curtis looks at me in a way that says "what's that massive thing growing out between your eyes?". Clearly he hadn't understood me.)
Kevin: "Do you got to school?"
Curtis: "Yes."
Kevin:"Were you in school yesterday?"
Curtis:"No, we're on holidays."
Kevin: "When did you start your holidays?"

Curtis:"Um..."
Kevin:"Were you in school last friday?"
Curtis:"No...not yesterday, not last friday..." (Now, Curtis has not learned english to a level that he can say 'last to last friday' or 'the friday before that' so he decides to use some visual aides in order to explain it to me. Those visual aides happen to be his thighs.)
Curtis:"Not last friday (he smacks his right thigh), not that one (he smacks his left thigh)..."
(Curtis then realises that he has run out of thighs, so he borrows mine...literally. He grabs my knee and pushes it next to his and starts the explanation again.)

Curtis: "Not last friday (he smacks his right thigh), not that one (he smacks his left thigh) but that one (he smacks my right thigh)"
Kevin:"Ok, two fridays ago?"
Curtis:"Yes, are you getting off here?"

And indeed i was getting off here, as pleasant as the conversation with Curtis was, i had to get to work, so i wish him a good day and get off the bus, happy that someone brightened up my day.

Honey Mustard

A rib tickling 4 and a half hrs sitting next to Gloria Estefan (apparently she looks like gloria estefan) at work inspires me to finally write this blog. Gloria's an interesting lady from Manchester who turns 26 tomorrow. She has an amazing english accent and totally left me chuffed when she asked for Honey Mustard chips (sounds something like hone-E Most-d).
Conversation about where i come from in Africa led to Gloria telling me about her adopted goat in Uganda. It went something like this:

Gloria: "So where are you from in Africa."
Kev: "Kenya."
Gloria:"Really? Always wanted to go to Kenya. Have you ever gone on a safari?"
Kev:"Everyday. Some people call it 'commuting via public transport'"
Gloria: (polite laugh) "My sister goes on safaris in Africa helping out in charities when she can.
There was this time she went to Uganda and asked me to give her 300 pounds to buy a cow for some village."
Kev:"300?"(in the most kikuyu fashion possible, i whip out a pen and paper and calculate the amount in kenya shillings)

Gloria:"yeah, 300. But i ended up buying a goat instead for 50 pounds."
Kev:"Did you eat it?"
Gloria:"No. They use it for milk in the village."
Kev:"OK, so you own a Ugandan goat, does it have a name?"
Gloria:"Eric."
(My brain takes a few seconds to spot the problem here)

Kev:"Eric is being used for milk?"
Gloria:"And he's pregnant as well, they made a mistake when he was young and didn't realise that he is actually a male goat so i named him Eric but i changed it to Erica when he suddenly grew a vagina."
Kev:"Cool. So, since you own Eric, does this mean that the goat he/she gave birth to is yours as well?"
Gloria:"Yeah."
Kev:"So you own two goats in Uganda?"
Gloria:"Yup, i'm like the Angelina Jolie of Uganda now, they love me there."

This last statement gets me laughing for about 10 minutes.